A Frustrated Cheerdancer

“Dance is the hidden language of the soul” --Martha Graham

Dancing is not in my vocabulary. My feet are both left. I don’t have flexible body just like the dancers out there. I’m just contented on watching my friends dance on the stage. I’m just a mere audience every time someone dances in front and my hands are always ready to clap for them. I never dream of becoming a dancer someday. I can’t imagine myself dancing on the beat of the music in front of many people.

Everything changed when I had no sport to join during our school intramurals. And we were all required to participate on any sport. I didn’t know what came on my mind when I listed my name for cheer dance. I didn’t know what spirit entered my body that time. How can someone like me be a cheer dancer when I don’t even know how to dance?

I just found myself joining the practice. It wasn’t hard at first. They just let us clap and stamp. They taught us how to do the back roll and the front roll. They taught us cheering shouts.

 “This is going to be easy!” I told myself.

Days passed by, the routines became complicated. I was wrong. It wasn’t easy at all. I started to feel exhausted. I couldn’t follow the right routines and I always made mistakes. It came to the point that I want to back out and choose another sport instead of joining the cheer dance. But I realized if I back out, my friends will go with me and only few of them will perform and represent our cluster. So I decided to stay and continue what I have started.

Each day of practice seemed to be days in hell for me. I sacrificed a lot just to join the practices. I didn’t have time to study for my lessons because I didn’t have enough energy to do so. I got a lot of bruises. I struggled on waking up each morning because of muscle pains. I needed to accept insults from the instructor for not doing the right routine. Honestly, it lowered my self-esteem every time he insulted me in front of my teammates. But what else I could do? I entered this so I must allege to do this.

There’s only one thing that kept me from doing it. It’s the fun on every practice. The smiles and laughter from my fellow participants erased all the pain I felt.  Yes, sometimes it’s tiring but at the end of the day we were all smiling and laughing. The hell sometimes became heaven when those angels started to smile.

At the big day, we were able to perform well. It’s feels great that all our sacrifices and hard works weren’t put into vain. Finally we could already sleep well and do all the things that we wanted to do. But it also feels sad because the memories we had during the practices will just remain in the past. The struggles ended there but the friendship between my fellow cheer dancers will never have an end.

I could not believe I was able to dance in front of many people. I was not the ordinary audience anymore. It feels great when people clap at you. I learned a lot from my one month experience of being a cheerdancer (a frustrated cheerdancer). Everyone can be a dancer if you just try to. No matter who you are, you can dance to the beat of the music.

"Once a cheerdancer, always a cheerdancer."

During the big day

Antelphobia: The fear of not being good enough

She tries her hardest to look good. But she still feels ugly.

See that girl sitting alone in the dark corner of the room? That girl who wears big eyeglasses and braces; that girl who doesn’t get everyone’s attention; that girl who walks in the hallway with head down. She’s laughing right? But when you look deeply in her eyes, she’s not even happy.

                She’s insecure. She’s not like the other girls with straight hair, red lips and a beautiful body. She feels ugly. She’s always wishing to be somebody else. She wants someone to like and admire her. She wants to get the attention of someone she liked. She’s not confident of what she looks. She believes she’s not smart and pretty. She feels like no one likes her. Her hair doesn’t always stay in place. She spills a lot of things and she’s pretty clumsy. She’s perfectly imperfect.

                She’s insecure about everything. She hates what she sees in the mirror. She can’t help but compare herself to every girl she sees. She’s insecure about the other girls out there who are pretty without even trying. They don’t wear makeup and don’t spend hours doing their hair. They are natural. What hurts her most is they are intelligent too. They have talents like dancing, singing or acting. They have it all. That leaves her with nothing.

                She can’t imagine someone having a crush on her; someone who gets butterflies in their stomach when she smiles; someone who will think of her before he sleep. Every time she laughs she hopes someone’s watching. Hoping that someone will fall for her smile. But it never works out. She’s pretty sure no one will love her with the way she looks. Why would someone do that? She’s just nothing but an ugly human being.

                 She wishes to be that kind of girl who gets hundred of likes on her Facebook photos. She wishes to be that kind of girl that others want to be. She wishes to be that girl that could look good in anything and know it. She wishes she was that kind of girl that people could call beautiful. They say she needs to be herself. But it is really hard for her when she don’t even love herself. They tell her to be happy with who she is, but how she can if everyone else is damn better than her.

                She tried to love herself. But every time she’s rejected, hatred just comes over again. She’s that type of girl who doesn’t accept compliments but believe every insult. Her insecurities drown her; rip her and tear her apart. There were nights that she stares herself in the mirror and spotting every flaws that she has. And then she just realizes tears are falling on her cheeks. She hates being insecure. It kills her inside. Sometimes, she thinks of death. If she died, how many will cry? If she’s gone, how many will look for her?

                She’s afraid of not being good enough. She’s longing for love and attention. Until now, she’s still waiting for someone who will make her feel she’s the most beautiful girl in this world. She didn’t know, that someone just came many years ago. She just needs to look up in heaven where that someone lives.

                Can you see that girl now? That girl who fakes her smile just to hide the pain she feels inside. That girl who acts like everything’s OK. She’s insecure. But when she thinks about it and takes a step back, she remembers how amazing life is. And that maybe, she likes being imperfect.

Insecurity is ugly. Not you.

 

      Insecurity kills the beauty you have.

Your flaws can do nothing but fear.

 

Here's to the girls out there who feel insecure.

Nicki Minaj once said.

You are beautiful just the way you are.

A moment under the rain

"Rain, rain go away! come again another day. Little children want to play." Children usually sing this song during rainy days. Most of them hate rain because it hinders them from playing outside. It will also cause headache and fever. And apparently, it prevents them from seeing friends outside their homes. I used to love rain. I played under the rain though my mother forbade me. The pitter patter of the rain on our roof brought excitement to my heart. I felt its soothing touch every time I could see raindrops falling on our window pane. But that was a week ago, yes, only a week ago. It was a fine Sunday morning when my high school friends and I decided to meet at one of the malls in the city. The sun's hot rays touched my skin as I rode on a jeep bound to our rendezvous. The excitement of seeing long lost friends forced me to put my assignments and paper works down. Happiness and joy filled my heart upon seeing my friends' faces after a long period of time. We savored every moment that day. We did the same things we used to do when we were still in high school. We laughed as hard as we could. I thought that day would end happily, but I was totally wrong. The sun's light was fading and darkness slowly invaded the world. Little did I know, the rain started to fall. My friends bid goodbye and went home. That left me and Geinnie alone. She helped me look for a jeep but we couldn't spot one. Flood started and the water rose up to knee level. The rain poured even harder. Adding to it the frightening sound of thunder and the nerve wracking splash of lightning. My entire soul was enveloped with fear. I closed my eyes and prayed. I saw little hope when a 17B jeep stopped in front of us. I was able to ride on it! My feeling was like passing a long Mathematics exam. When I arrived, the clouds were still crying. It was even harder that time. I still had to cross the wide road for me to get home. I had no choice but to run over the flood, race with the cars and let the rain pour on my body. I was soaking wet. THANKS GOD! I arrived home safely. I was wet and cold. My heart beat abnormally. I just found myself crying inside my dark and cold room alone. I had never experienced flood in my whole life. Not until that frightening day! Though, that experience was a sort of a dreadful one, still, it makes me realize that to live alone in the city away from my family and wrestle with another level of responsibilities, I think I can make it. I have to face those challenges, but this time, no more tears!

As I write this essay, I want tell the rain…”Rain, rain don’t go away. Come again on my way!”

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain

Just enjoy the rain.

A nice quote to remember.