Regret

It's in the middle of the night now. I'm still awake and facing my computer. I honestly out of my senses today. My head still hurts so with my heart. I don't know what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life now. You see, I committed a mistake. A very huge mistake. It ruined everything. It ruined my life now. That feeling of hating the world. You want to end everything because you're really feeling down and it seems that there's no other way anymore?

This was supposed to be my dream. I supposed to feel happiness because I studied in this premiere university. But I felt totally opposite right now. That feeling of regret. What if I studied in other universities, would my life gets better? Would I not think of ending everything? I wonder. I felt like I don't belong here. Everyone is a smart ass and values honor before excellence a lot. Am I on the wrong way?

I'm thinking of transferring to other universities. I want to follow what my heart felt the first time I thought of college. If I could only go back to the past. If only I have a time machine. I will never do the same thing again. If I didn't meet those people who influenced me to enter this university, would I have a happy feeling? If I followed and listened to my heart, would I live normal?

Everyone is not true. Even you're friends will judge you. They will talk about you when you're not around. They will smile to you when you're with them. It's so sad why people could judge others without knowing their story. I judge too. But not the way they do. I hate to pretend someone I'm not just to please them. Just to avoid their judgements. Yes, I only pretend. It's not real me when I'm on school. It makes me miss my high school friends more. They are one of a kind. They accepted me even I mess up with all the things. Even I'm thin and I don't look good. They manage to make me laugh so hard until my tummy hurts. But people in college, I can only make a fake smile.

It's everyone's dream school. This is my dream school, yes. But to think that I came from a high school where every thing is on my favor, I was not used to these challenges.  It's still my first semester and I already felt tired. How much more on the remaining years?

I can't understand things right now. I want to pause the time until I get better and face the world again. But I guess I can only do it in my dreams. I don't know how to face the next days with open hands now. I feel so dirty inside. I broke someone's trust. I hate committing mistakes. It makes me sad. Though I need to experience it in order to learn. :(
Why are things can't be so perfect? Why can't the world be perfect? Why can't I be perfect?

It's already dawn now. And I'm still facing my computer. I'm still writing this hoping that someone with the same situation as mine will read this and will know that he is not alone. It's been a bad day. Crying for three times a day is not good. This day deserves to end. So, good night.