I am a sad Iska.

I have a story to tell. I didn't tell anyone about this. Promise me when you read this, you'll keep it with yourself only. Okay? Okay.

Life on Earth is hard to explain. Nobody knows what life brings us. We don't know what will happen in the next seconds, minutes or hours. Sometimes we create decisions that we regret in the future. We're just humans, we create mistakes. We meet people along our journey that could help or challenge us. Each day is a survival. No, each millisecond is a survival. We are all challenge and we need to overcome whatever challenges we encounter. Anyway, let me begin my story.

My life is just an ordinary life. Like any other normal teenagers, I go to school, eat, drink, laugh and dream. I used to be happy. Yes, used to. Imagine, I have a happy family, I eat more than 3 times a day, I have a lot of friends and get good grades. But that was before. Before I created a major mistake.

I'm in the middle of choosing where to study in college when I was encouraged by a friend to take the UPCAT. I admit it, I was encouraged without any second thought. He's special to me and I felt special when he chatted me on facebook just to encourage me. I was excited taking that exam. I always brought the form in school because I didn't want it away from me. Fast forward, I pass the exam but not to his campus. That's the point when I had my second thought of studying in UP. I took other entrance exams. I considered the other schools and rejected UP. Until one day, I happened to comment on someone's post about UPCAT. And someone commented back. He added me on facebook and we became friends immediately. He encouraged me to consider studying in UP. And that's it! I just found myself entering the portals of University of the Philippines.

I regret that decision. I regret that I didn't follow my heart and chose want others think is best for me. It's not that I don't like it here. This school is amazing. Only that I don't fit in. Now I felt alone. That person who encouraged me to study in this university left me behind. Those friends I found during the first semester are not in my side now. My boardmate who's also my classmate left the university. I'm afraid to go back to that campus now. I'm afraid I might be alone. I'm afraid to meet the person who's been the reason of this loneliness. I can't transfer to other universities because it would be hard for my parents.

I hate this feelings. I hate this fear. :(

The Perks of Being an “Iskolar ng Bayan”

Activists, rebels, brave and smart are the words that will surely come first in your mind when you hear the word “Iskolar nga Bayan” or the nation’s scholars. We are stereotyped as students who are always present in rallies and any protest against the government. We are said to be rebellious. We are labeled as brave students who are not afraid to fight against the government’s wrong doings. People say we are smart because we were able to study in the most prestigious university in the country. But what they don’t know, there is more on being an Iskolar ng Bayan.

Passing the University of the Philippines College Admission Test or the UPCAT is not enough to call yourself an “iska” or an “isko”. You can say you’re a true Iskolar ng Bayan once you are able to do all the responsibilities. As the nation’s scholar, our tuition fee is being paid from the taxes of the Filipino people. For this reason we need to give back to them what they have given to us by fighting and protecting their rights against the corrupt leaders.

An Iskolar ng Bayan values education a lot. One is willing to fight for it no matter what happens.

Even though I’m just a freshman student, I can already say that life of a scholar is not easy. It’s not a bed of roses as what others think. Stress is as natural as breathing here. There are nights that you don’t sleep just to finish reports and papers. There are lessons that are hard to understand no matter how you try to understand it. There are times when you just want to sit in the corner and cry because there’s still so much to be done and not enough time to do it all.

Smart is not an adjective that fits for all scholars. It fits for some but not for all. Not all of us who pass UPCAT and study in UP are smart. We have a lot of failing grades. We often get low scores in our quizzes and long exams. Just like the students in other schools, looking for x and y in math is still a problem to us. There are a lot of students who repeat a subject or even their course. Many even didn’t graduate on time.

Not all scholars are hard working. I admit I belong to this category. There are also lazy “isko” and “iska”. A lot of us hate studying. We love to cram in every exam. We often engage in procrastination. We also hate doing the assignments and projects. As a matter of fact our motto is, “Due tomorrow, do tomorrow.”

Despite our busy schedules, we still find time to enjoy life. A true Iskolar ng Bayan knows how to party even he has tons of paper works to do. We won’t let school get our lives. We don’t want to die with boring life. After all we are still humans who need to enjoy.

Accepting the honor of being called as the nation’s scholar comes also great responsibilities. Once you study in UP, you’ll stop thinking of yourself only. You’ll stop being selfish because you’re carrying great responsibilities on your shoulders. You will start to care for the people and for the nation. You will start to develop patriotism in your life. You need to serve the people and need to take honor before excellence. A true “Iskolar ng Bayan” is also an “Iskolar para sa Bayan”.

It’s never easy to be an Iskolar ng Bayan but at the end of the day you’ll going to love each day of your stay in the university.

Alone

"Mom, I want to transfer to another school."

Those were the words I said to my mom few hours ago. I earned all the guts to utter those words. I set aside all the possible effects of those words. I can't help it anymore. I really don't want to study in UP Cebu anymore.

I thought of it a million times already. You see, UP is not really for me. It feels like I don't have the right to study there anymore. Everyone there hates me because of the mistake I made.I already searched for different schools here aside from UP. Guess what, I have a lot of choices. But I still want to study in UP. I want to study in UP Diliman ever since. Apparently, I don't have the brain. :(

"But why?!"

Those were her reply to me. That sad face mom gave me after uttering those words made me feel alone. I thought she would be glad for this decision. But I guess, she's not even happy. I'm so sad right now. That feeling of no one understands you. The person you thought will support you, back out.

I guess, I will remain in this hell for a lot of years. :'(

Regret

It's in the middle of the night now. I'm still awake and facing my computer. I honestly out of my senses today. My head still hurts so with my heart. I don't know what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life now. You see, I committed a mistake. A very huge mistake. It ruined everything. It ruined my life now. That feeling of hating the world. You want to end everything because you're really feeling down and it seems that there's no other way anymore?

This was supposed to be my dream. I supposed to feel happiness because I studied in this premiere university. But I felt totally opposite right now. That feeling of regret. What if I studied in other universities, would my life gets better? Would I not think of ending everything? I wonder. I felt like I don't belong here. Everyone is a smart ass and values honor before excellence a lot. Am I on the wrong way?

I'm thinking of transferring to other universities. I want to follow what my heart felt the first time I thought of college. If I could only go back to the past. If only I have a time machine. I will never do the same thing again. If I didn't meet those people who influenced me to enter this university, would I have a happy feeling? If I followed and listened to my heart, would I live normal?

Everyone is not true. Even you're friends will judge you. They will talk about you when you're not around. They will smile to you when you're with them. It's so sad why people could judge others without knowing their story. I judge too. But not the way they do. I hate to pretend someone I'm not just to please them. Just to avoid their judgements. Yes, I only pretend. It's not real me when I'm on school. It makes me miss my high school friends more. They are one of a kind. They accepted me even I mess up with all the things. Even I'm thin and I don't look good. They manage to make me laugh so hard until my tummy hurts. But people in college, I can only make a fake smile.

It's everyone's dream school. This is my dream school, yes. But to think that I came from a high school where every thing is on my favor, I was not used to these challenges.  It's still my first semester and I already felt tired. How much more on the remaining years?

I can't understand things right now. I want to pause the time until I get better and face the world again. But I guess I can only do it in my dreams. I don't know how to face the next days with open hands now. I feel so dirty inside. I broke someone's trust. I hate committing mistakes. It makes me sad. Though I need to experience it in order to learn. :(
Why are things can't be so perfect? Why can't the world be perfect? Why can't I be perfect?

It's already dawn now. And I'm still facing my computer. I'm still writing this hoping that someone with the same situation as mine will read this and will know that he is not alone. It's been a bad day. Crying for three times a day is not good. This day deserves to end. So, good night.

There's More on Being a Youth

               “Youths are the future of the nation.”

                These were the words of Dr. Jose Rizal for the Filipino youths. We are said to be the savior of the nation from the tribulations of the country. Apparently, youths of today’s generation seemed to be the cause of these tribulations. Wherever you go, you can see out of school youths engaging on drug addiction, rubbery and other evil doings. Adding to it the increasing number of youth workers in the country. Why are these things happening? How can we become the future of the countrymen when we seemed to lose our paths?

                Last July 3, 2013, during our Youth Sector Orientation of our NSTP, a video was shown to us. That was all about the slow increase of Filipinos minimum wage in every Presidential term. According to the video, during the time of Pres. Corazon Aquino, there was an eighty-eight pesos increase to the minimum wage. During Pres. Gloria Aquino’s term, it only increased into five pesos. While today’s President, Pres. Noynoy Aquino, added nothing to the minimum wage of many Filipino workers. This is how unfortunate our country today. The rich become richer, the poor become poorer. This affects to the development of the youths. Minimum earner workers can’t send their children in school due to their little earnings.

                There was another video that was shown to us. The video was all about the demolition of houses in San Juan, Mania. I could really see how desperate they were in protecting their houses from the demolition team. People were shouting, children were crying and others were trying to fight against the police officers. It was really hard to watch your brothers and sisters suffer those pain. This is also one factor of the increasing number of out of school youths in the country. Their family can’t afford to build their own houses, how much more sending them to school for straight 14 years. And if they have money, of course they will prioritize building their houses than sending their in school.

                We also listened to a song about high rate of school fees in the public schools in the country. Many of the Filipino youths were not able to continue their studies in college or even in high school because of the high school fees. For these reasons, a lot of students are now against the government. A video of rallies was also shown to us. Students were having their rallies in front of the government to show the pain their suffering due to unaffordable and increasing tuition fees. Unfortunately, these were just put into vain. Still the government is in deaf mode in educational issues.

                What is the government doing? Why can’t they increase the minimum wage of the workers? Why can’t they give houses to those who don’t have? Why can’t they lower the tuition fees in State Universities in the country so that many can go to school? I understand that the government is also facing a lot of problems in the country. Not just all that I have mentioned. But these were not new anymore. We’ve been fighting for these problems ever since the world began. And still, it remained unanswered over the years.

                After the seminar, I had opened my eyes to the reality of country’s situation. I had developed values like diligence, perseverance and humility. I know I can’t change the world by just writing this article. But I believe that everything begins from a simple dot. I will be that simple dot that will make up everything. If we, the Filipino youths, will help each other, we can achieve the goal we’ve been aiming for a long time. We will show the whole world that we are truly the future of the nation.

Beyond What I Believed.

               Religion is defined as an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to the supernatural, and to spirituality. One has its own different religions. Some believe in Allah, some believe in Jesus Christ and some believe in prophets. One’s religion depends on the culture and the group he belonged.

                September 22, 2013, I tend to travel almost the whole Asia for just 6 hours. I couldn’t believe I went to China, India, Tibet and Taiwan for just Php 160 as fare. Experiencing the religion practices in the said places was beyond my imagination. Who would have thought I will be able to experience being a Taoist, Buddhist and Sikh for just half of the day. It was indeed a super experience and a dream come true.

 Our class on History 2 decided to have temple hopping in some of the temples in Cebu. I didn’t actually go to China, India, Tibet and Taiwan. I just stepped on some the places in Cebu that shows some of their religion practices.

The airplane, I mean the bus first stopped at Taoist temple near Lahug, Cebu City. Upon seeing the gate of the temple with colorful sculpture, I felt like I was going to China. As we enter the temple, I was amazed by the different images in front of us. There was Shih Huang Ti’s image. He was considered the first emperor of China and now became a God. Prof. Esperito explained the history of Taoist. I experienced praying to their God. I even tried my luck to the oracle bones and the so called kidney stones. Being a Taoist for a short while was really memorable.

Our next stop was the Sikhism temple. It was manage by some Indians in Cebu. I entered their temple with my head covered to respect their Gods. I saw images of Guru Nanak and Lord Shiva and his wife. But what amazed me most is their holy book, the Guru Granth Sahib. They worship this book and they consider it holy. Baba Gi, a priest in their religion, filled our ears with its worship songs. He also read us some of the readings in Guru Granth Sahib which really inspired me. They let us taste their holy corsage.  They believe that there is only one God. They will accept you in their temple whatever your religion is.

Second to the last stop was a Tibetan temple. It was actually big compared to the two temples we’ve been to. The images of Buddha were indeed big. There were different crafts in different rooms that are use for worshiping their Gods. There was this room intended for the remains of some Buddhist. We met two monks who welcomed us in their temple

Our last stop but definitely not the least was also a Buddhist temple. It was also big and you could actually have a glance of Cebu City up there. The caretaker of the temple gave us some history of their religion. He said to be good person; you must do the three important things: Do good, speak good and think good. He led us to inside their temple. I saw different images of Buddha. I already saw some of them in the Tibetan temple. We bid goodbye to place after.

Being a roman catholic, I never thought of experiencing the religion of others. I never thought of worshiping the Gods of others for I believe I have my own God. But when I experienced those things in just half of the day, I realized that it is not bad to try being something you’re not used to be. The trip gave me a positive outlook to the religions in Asia or even in the world. Though it was just a short time, it left a memory in my heart. A memory that I will cherish forever. So, the next time I encounter Taoist, Buddhist, Sikh or any religion different from mine, I will surely give them the biggest respect.

I quoted what Baba Gi said, “No matter what our religion is, we believe in the same God.”

Miss No-Good-at-Everything

Have you ever felt being so stupid? You think you can't do anything right and you always mess up things. The moment you try something ends failing. You feel like you're not worth it to live in this planet. Sometimes you ask yourself what's your purpose in this world when you can do anything right. You're jealous to others who can sing, dance, paint and write. If you don't feel all these, I have to congratulate you. But if you do, I think we need to talk.

Sixteen years. Sixteen years of living in this crazy world. For those sixteen years, believe it or not, I still don't know where am I good at. A lot of teenagers like me already knew their talents. They already knew what to do for their future. I envy those people. No matter how much I try to excel at something, I always end up losing.

I tried singing and dancing. I joined choirs in school. I sang everyday during my vacant hours. I thought I was a good singer. But when they rejected me in the choir and when my friends laugh every time I sing, I realized I'm just a trying hard singer. I tried my luck in dancing. I even joined cheerdance team in my school. But as always, I ended up being laugh at and insulted by the instructor. It hurts actually, but I needed to accept it.

I never stopped. I tried painting and acting. I joined painting contest. As expected, I lose. I tried to audition in a theater. They told me to wait for their call. My eyes went all white of waiting, but I never receive any call from them. I guess it's not really my field.

I'm not good in school neither. I belong to the achievers during high school, but I believe I'm not smart. I'm not a good sister. I'm not a good daughter. I always give my parents headaches. I don't do house hold chores and I always ask for money.

The only thing that I think I'm good at is writing. I used to win during writing contest and my friends said that my articles are really good. But when I enter college and saw a lot of good writers, I pity myself. How can they write such an amazing write ups? Mine are just dots compare to their articles.

Until this very moment, as I am writing this essay, I still don't know where am I good at. In the first place, I don't know if I can do good things. Even in my course right now, I don't know if I will excel on this field. Well, I guess I need to accept that I'm Miss No-Good-at-Everything.