Alone

"Mom, I want to transfer to another school."

Those were the words I said to my mom few hours ago. I earned all the guts to utter those words. I set aside all the possible effects of those words. I can't help it anymore. I really don't want to study in UP Cebu anymore.

I thought of it a million times already. You see, UP is not really for me. It feels like I don't have the right to study there anymore. Everyone there hates me because of the mistake I made.I already searched for different schools here aside from UP. Guess what, I have a lot of choices. But I still want to study in UP. I want to study in UP Diliman ever since. Apparently, I don't have the brain. :(

"But why?!"

Those were her reply to me. That sad face mom gave me after uttering those words made me feel alone. I thought she would be glad for this decision. But I guess, she's not even happy. I'm so sad right now. That feeling of no one understands you. The person you thought will support you, back out.

I guess, I will remain in this hell for a lot of years. :'(

Regret

It's in the middle of the night now. I'm still awake and facing my computer. I honestly out of my senses today. My head still hurts so with my heart. I don't know what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life now. You see, I committed a mistake. A very huge mistake. It ruined everything. It ruined my life now. That feeling of hating the world. You want to end everything because you're really feeling down and it seems that there's no other way anymore?

This was supposed to be my dream. I supposed to feel happiness because I studied in this premiere university. But I felt totally opposite right now. That feeling of regret. What if I studied in other universities, would my life gets better? Would I not think of ending everything? I wonder. I felt like I don't belong here. Everyone is a smart ass and values honor before excellence a lot. Am I on the wrong way?

I'm thinking of transferring to other universities. I want to follow what my heart felt the first time I thought of college. If I could only go back to the past. If only I have a time machine. I will never do the same thing again. If I didn't meet those people who influenced me to enter this university, would I have a happy feeling? If I followed and listened to my heart, would I live normal?

Everyone is not true. Even you're friends will judge you. They will talk about you when you're not around. They will smile to you when you're with them. It's so sad why people could judge others without knowing their story. I judge too. But not the way they do. I hate to pretend someone I'm not just to please them. Just to avoid their judgements. Yes, I only pretend. It's not real me when I'm on school. It makes me miss my high school friends more. They are one of a kind. They accepted me even I mess up with all the things. Even I'm thin and I don't look good. They manage to make me laugh so hard until my tummy hurts. But people in college, I can only make a fake smile.

It's everyone's dream school. This is my dream school, yes. But to think that I came from a high school where every thing is on my favor, I was not used to these challenges.  It's still my first semester and I already felt tired. How much more on the remaining years?

I can't understand things right now. I want to pause the time until I get better and face the world again. But I guess I can only do it in my dreams. I don't know how to face the next days with open hands now. I feel so dirty inside. I broke someone's trust. I hate committing mistakes. It makes me sad. Though I need to experience it in order to learn. :(
Why are things can't be so perfect? Why can't the world be perfect? Why can't I be perfect?

It's already dawn now. And I'm still facing my computer. I'm still writing this hoping that someone with the same situation as mine will read this and will know that he is not alone. It's been a bad day. Crying for three times a day is not good. This day deserves to end. So, good night.

There's More on Being a Youth

               “Youths are the future of the nation.”

                These were the words of Dr. Jose Rizal for the Filipino youths. We are said to be the savior of the nation from the tribulations of the country. Apparently, youths of today’s generation seemed to be the cause of these tribulations. Wherever you go, you can see out of school youths engaging on drug addiction, rubbery and other evil doings. Adding to it the increasing number of youth workers in the country. Why are these things happening? How can we become the future of the countrymen when we seemed to lose our paths?

                Last July 3, 2013, during our Youth Sector Orientation of our NSTP, a video was shown to us. That was all about the slow increase of Filipinos minimum wage in every Presidential term. According to the video, during the time of Pres. Corazon Aquino, there was an eighty-eight pesos increase to the minimum wage. During Pres. Gloria Aquino’s term, it only increased into five pesos. While today’s President, Pres. Noynoy Aquino, added nothing to the minimum wage of many Filipino workers. This is how unfortunate our country today. The rich become richer, the poor become poorer. This affects to the development of the youths. Minimum earner workers can’t send their children in school due to their little earnings.

                There was another video that was shown to us. The video was all about the demolition of houses in San Juan, Mania. I could really see how desperate they were in protecting their houses from the demolition team. People were shouting, children were crying and others were trying to fight against the police officers. It was really hard to watch your brothers and sisters suffer those pain. This is also one factor of the increasing number of out of school youths in the country. Their family can’t afford to build their own houses, how much more sending them to school for straight 14 years. And if they have money, of course they will prioritize building their houses than sending their in school.

                We also listened to a song about high rate of school fees in the public schools in the country. Many of the Filipino youths were not able to continue their studies in college or even in high school because of the high school fees. For these reasons, a lot of students are now against the government. A video of rallies was also shown to us. Students were having their rallies in front of the government to show the pain their suffering due to unaffordable and increasing tuition fees. Unfortunately, these were just put into vain. Still the government is in deaf mode in educational issues.

                What is the government doing? Why can’t they increase the minimum wage of the workers? Why can’t they give houses to those who don’t have? Why can’t they lower the tuition fees in State Universities in the country so that many can go to school? I understand that the government is also facing a lot of problems in the country. Not just all that I have mentioned. But these were not new anymore. We’ve been fighting for these problems ever since the world began. And still, it remained unanswered over the years.

                After the seminar, I had opened my eyes to the reality of country’s situation. I had developed values like diligence, perseverance and humility. I know I can’t change the world by just writing this article. But I believe that everything begins from a simple dot. I will be that simple dot that will make up everything. If we, the Filipino youths, will help each other, we can achieve the goal we’ve been aiming for a long time. We will show the whole world that we are truly the future of the nation.

Beyond What I Believed.

               Religion is defined as an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to the supernatural, and to spirituality. One has its own different religions. Some believe in Allah, some believe in Jesus Christ and some believe in prophets. One’s religion depends on the culture and the group he belonged.

                September 22, 2013, I tend to travel almost the whole Asia for just 6 hours. I couldn’t believe I went to China, India, Tibet and Taiwan for just Php 160 as fare. Experiencing the religion practices in the said places was beyond my imagination. Who would have thought I will be able to experience being a Taoist, Buddhist and Sikh for just half of the day. It was indeed a super experience and a dream come true.

 Our class on History 2 decided to have temple hopping in some of the temples in Cebu. I didn’t actually go to China, India, Tibet and Taiwan. I just stepped on some the places in Cebu that shows some of their religion practices.

The airplane, I mean the bus first stopped at Taoist temple near Lahug, Cebu City. Upon seeing the gate of the temple with colorful sculpture, I felt like I was going to China. As we enter the temple, I was amazed by the different images in front of us. There was Shih Huang Ti’s image. He was considered the first emperor of China and now became a God. Prof. Esperito explained the history of Taoist. I experienced praying to their God. I even tried my luck to the oracle bones and the so called kidney stones. Being a Taoist for a short while was really memorable.

Our next stop was the Sikhism temple. It was manage by some Indians in Cebu. I entered their temple with my head covered to respect their Gods. I saw images of Guru Nanak and Lord Shiva and his wife. But what amazed me most is their holy book, the Guru Granth Sahib. They worship this book and they consider it holy. Baba Gi, a priest in their religion, filled our ears with its worship songs. He also read us some of the readings in Guru Granth Sahib which really inspired me. They let us taste their holy corsage.  They believe that there is only one God. They will accept you in their temple whatever your religion is.

Second to the last stop was a Tibetan temple. It was actually big compared to the two temples we’ve been to. The images of Buddha were indeed big. There were different crafts in different rooms that are use for worshiping their Gods. There was this room intended for the remains of some Buddhist. We met two monks who welcomed us in their temple

Our last stop but definitely not the least was also a Buddhist temple. It was also big and you could actually have a glance of Cebu City up there. The caretaker of the temple gave us some history of their religion. He said to be good person; you must do the three important things: Do good, speak good and think good. He led us to inside their temple. I saw different images of Buddha. I already saw some of them in the Tibetan temple. We bid goodbye to place after.

Being a roman catholic, I never thought of experiencing the religion of others. I never thought of worshiping the Gods of others for I believe I have my own God. But when I experienced those things in just half of the day, I realized that it is not bad to try being something you’re not used to be. The trip gave me a positive outlook to the religions in Asia or even in the world. Though it was just a short time, it left a memory in my heart. A memory that I will cherish forever. So, the next time I encounter Taoist, Buddhist, Sikh or any religion different from mine, I will surely give them the biggest respect.

I quoted what Baba Gi said, “No matter what our religion is, we believe in the same God.”

Miss No-Good-at-Everything

Have you ever felt being so stupid? You think you can't do anything right and you always mess up things. The moment you try something ends failing. You feel like you're not worth it to live in this planet. Sometimes you ask yourself what's your purpose in this world when you can do anything right. You're jealous to others who can sing, dance, paint and write. If you don't feel all these, I have to congratulate you. But if you do, I think we need to talk.

Sixteen years. Sixteen years of living in this crazy world. For those sixteen years, believe it or not, I still don't know where am I good at. A lot of teenagers like me already knew their talents. They already knew what to do for their future. I envy those people. No matter how much I try to excel at something, I always end up losing.

I tried singing and dancing. I joined choirs in school. I sang everyday during my vacant hours. I thought I was a good singer. But when they rejected me in the choir and when my friends laugh every time I sing, I realized I'm just a trying hard singer. I tried my luck in dancing. I even joined cheerdance team in my school. But as always, I ended up being laugh at and insulted by the instructor. It hurts actually, but I needed to accept it.

I never stopped. I tried painting and acting. I joined painting contest. As expected, I lose. I tried to audition in a theater. They told me to wait for their call. My eyes went all white of waiting, but I never receive any call from them. I guess it's not really my field.

I'm not good in school neither. I belong to the achievers during high school, but I believe I'm not smart. I'm not a good sister. I'm not a good daughter. I always give my parents headaches. I don't do house hold chores and I always ask for money.

The only thing that I think I'm good at is writing. I used to win during writing contest and my friends said that my articles are really good. But when I enter college and saw a lot of good writers, I pity myself. How can they write such an amazing write ups? Mine are just dots compare to their articles.

Until this very moment, as I am writing this essay, I still don't know where am I good at. In the first place, I don't know if I can do good things. Even in my course right now, I don't know if I will excel on this field. Well, I guess I need to accept that I'm Miss No-Good-at-Everything.

A Frustrated Cheerdancer

“Dance is the hidden language of the soul” --Martha Graham

Dancing is not in my vocabulary. My feet are both left. I don’t have flexible body just like the dancers out there. I’m just contented on watching my friends dance on the stage. I’m just a mere audience every time someone dances in front and my hands are always ready to clap for them. I never dream of becoming a dancer someday. I can’t imagine myself dancing on the beat of the music in front of many people.

Everything changed when I had no sport to join during our school intramurals. And we were all required to participate on any sport. I didn’t know what came on my mind when I listed my name for cheer dance. I didn’t know what spirit entered my body that time. How can someone like me be a cheer dancer when I don’t even know how to dance?

I just found myself joining the practice. It wasn’t hard at first. They just let us clap and stamp. They taught us how to do the back roll and the front roll. They taught us cheering shouts.

 “This is going to be easy!” I told myself.

Days passed by, the routines became complicated. I was wrong. It wasn’t easy at all. I started to feel exhausted. I couldn’t follow the right routines and I always made mistakes. It came to the point that I want to back out and choose another sport instead of joining the cheer dance. But I realized if I back out, my friends will go with me and only few of them will perform and represent our cluster. So I decided to stay and continue what I have started.

Each day of practice seemed to be days in hell for me. I sacrificed a lot just to join the practices. I didn’t have time to study for my lessons because I didn’t have enough energy to do so. I got a lot of bruises. I struggled on waking up each morning because of muscle pains. I needed to accept insults from the instructor for not doing the right routine. Honestly, it lowered my self-esteem every time he insulted me in front of my teammates. But what else I could do? I entered this so I must allege to do this.

There’s only one thing that kept me from doing it. It’s the fun on every practice. The smiles and laughter from my fellow participants erased all the pain I felt.  Yes, sometimes it’s tiring but at the end of the day we were all smiling and laughing. The hell sometimes became heaven when those angels started to smile.

At the big day, we were able to perform well. It’s feels great that all our sacrifices and hard works weren’t put into vain. Finally we could already sleep well and do all the things that we wanted to do. But it also feels sad because the memories we had during the practices will just remain in the past. The struggles ended there but the friendship between my fellow cheer dancers will never have an end.

I could not believe I was able to dance in front of many people. I was not the ordinary audience anymore. It feels great when people clap at you. I learned a lot from my one month experience of being a cheerdancer (a frustrated cheerdancer). Everyone can be a dancer if you just try to. No matter who you are, you can dance to the beat of the music.

"Once a cheerdancer, always a cheerdancer."

During the big day

Antelphobia: The fear of not being good enough

She tries her hardest to look good. But she still feels ugly.

See that girl sitting alone in the dark corner of the room? That girl who wears big eyeglasses and braces; that girl who doesn’t get everyone’s attention; that girl who walks in the hallway with head down. She’s laughing right? But when you look deeply in her eyes, she’s not even happy.

                She’s insecure. She’s not like the other girls with straight hair, red lips and a beautiful body. She feels ugly. She’s always wishing to be somebody else. She wants someone to like and admire her. She wants to get the attention of someone she liked. She’s not confident of what she looks. She believes she’s not smart and pretty. She feels like no one likes her. Her hair doesn’t always stay in place. She spills a lot of things and she’s pretty clumsy. She’s perfectly imperfect.

                She’s insecure about everything. She hates what she sees in the mirror. She can’t help but compare herself to every girl she sees. She’s insecure about the other girls out there who are pretty without even trying. They don’t wear makeup and don’t spend hours doing their hair. They are natural. What hurts her most is they are intelligent too. They have talents like dancing, singing or acting. They have it all. That leaves her with nothing.

                She can’t imagine someone having a crush on her; someone who gets butterflies in their stomach when she smiles; someone who will think of her before he sleep. Every time she laughs she hopes someone’s watching. Hoping that someone will fall for her smile. But it never works out. She’s pretty sure no one will love her with the way she looks. Why would someone do that? She’s just nothing but an ugly human being.

                 She wishes to be that kind of girl who gets hundred of likes on her Facebook photos. She wishes to be that kind of girl that others want to be. She wishes to be that girl that could look good in anything and know it. She wishes she was that kind of girl that people could call beautiful. They say she needs to be herself. But it is really hard for her when she don’t even love herself. They tell her to be happy with who she is, but how she can if everyone else is damn better than her.

                She tried to love herself. But every time she’s rejected, hatred just comes over again. She’s that type of girl who doesn’t accept compliments but believe every insult. Her insecurities drown her; rip her and tear her apart. There were nights that she stares herself in the mirror and spotting every flaws that she has. And then she just realizes tears are falling on her cheeks. She hates being insecure. It kills her inside. Sometimes, she thinks of death. If she died, how many will cry? If she’s gone, how many will look for her?

                She’s afraid of not being good enough. She’s longing for love and attention. Until now, she’s still waiting for someone who will make her feel she’s the most beautiful girl in this world. She didn’t know, that someone just came many years ago. She just needs to look up in heaven where that someone lives.

                Can you see that girl now? That girl who fakes her smile just to hide the pain she feels inside. That girl who acts like everything’s OK. She’s insecure. But when she thinks about it and takes a step back, she remembers how amazing life is. And that maybe, she likes being imperfect.

Insecurity is ugly. Not you.

 

      Insecurity kills the beauty you have.

Your flaws can do nothing but fear.

 

Here's to the girls out there who feel insecure.

Nicki Minaj once said.

You are beautiful just the way you are.

A moment under the rain

"Rain, rain go away! come again another day. Little children want to play." Children usually sing this song during rainy days. Most of them hate rain because it hinders them from playing outside. It will also cause headache and fever. And apparently, it prevents them from seeing friends outside their homes. I used to love rain. I played under the rain though my mother forbade me. The pitter patter of the rain on our roof brought excitement to my heart. I felt its soothing touch every time I could see raindrops falling on our window pane. But that was a week ago, yes, only a week ago. It was a fine Sunday morning when my high school friends and I decided to meet at one of the malls in the city. The sun's hot rays touched my skin as I rode on a jeep bound to our rendezvous. The excitement of seeing long lost friends forced me to put my assignments and paper works down. Happiness and joy filled my heart upon seeing my friends' faces after a long period of time. We savored every moment that day. We did the same things we used to do when we were still in high school. We laughed as hard as we could. I thought that day would end happily, but I was totally wrong. The sun's light was fading and darkness slowly invaded the world. Little did I know, the rain started to fall. My friends bid goodbye and went home. That left me and Geinnie alone. She helped me look for a jeep but we couldn't spot one. Flood started and the water rose up to knee level. The rain poured even harder. Adding to it the frightening sound of thunder and the nerve wracking splash of lightning. My entire soul was enveloped with fear. I closed my eyes and prayed. I saw little hope when a 17B jeep stopped in front of us. I was able to ride on it! My feeling was like passing a long Mathematics exam. When I arrived, the clouds were still crying. It was even harder that time. I still had to cross the wide road for me to get home. I had no choice but to run over the flood, race with the cars and let the rain pour on my body. I was soaking wet. THANKS GOD! I arrived home safely. I was wet and cold. My heart beat abnormally. I just found myself crying inside my dark and cold room alone. I had never experienced flood in my whole life. Not until that frightening day! Though, that experience was a sort of a dreadful one, still, it makes me realize that to live alone in the city away from my family and wrestle with another level of responsibilities, I think I can make it. I have to face those challenges, but this time, no more tears!

As I write this essay, I want tell the rain…”Rain, rain don’t go away. Come again on my way!”

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain

Just enjoy the rain.

A nice quote to remember.

A Glimpse to the City in the Forest

SEX!

Yey! Finally I got your attention.To clarify things on your mind, this article is not about what the word above says. This is all about my journey to the place where I left the other piece of my heart. As in Super Experience! :)

                Have you ever experienced going to the place you’ve never been before? How  did it feel? Well, let me share to you my most unforgettable travel outside Region VII. Fasten your seatbelt as  we are about to take off.

                I could still remember my reaction when my Mom told me that I would be going with them  to Palawan. She is our School paper Adviser and my  co-campus writer made it to the National  Schools Press Conference after winning Second Place in the Regional Level. I shouted and jumped as high as I could, and I rolled on the floor. I could already imagine myself riding on an airplane for the very first time. I marked the date on the calendar and counted each single day  before the scheduled date.

                How swiftly time flew, I just found myself in Mactan International Airport with Mom and my close friend Vea. We went inside the plane with huge smiles on our faces. I was amazed how big a plane in nearer  view  compared to those planes flying in the sky. As we were in the top.I couldn’t help myself  taking pictures of the view from above. I seemed to be in heaven touching the clouds and peeping into the   islands that seemed to be dots at the middle of the water.

                That was the best onehour and thirty minutes of my life. Finally, we arrived at our destination. I took a big leap to the City in the Forest—Puerto Princessa, Palawan for the first time.

Arrival at Puerto Princessa Airport.

                We were all first timers that time, and we didn’t know what to do and where to go. Good thing Palaweños are friendly people. A tricycle driver took us to a lodging house where we could have a rest after a long journey from home.

                The place is really different from Cebu City. Wherever you go, you couldn’t see tall buildings, you couldn’t hear noisy vehicles, and you couldn’t smell garbage. All you could see were friendly and smiling people who welcomed you to their paradise.

                

The Baywalk at night.

The following days, we explored the beauty of PuertoPrincessa. First on our list was the famous Baywalk. It was located along the Puerto Princessa shore where you could rent bicycle to go around the place. From a silent and relaxing place during daytime, Baywalk transformed into a big party place at night. You could see tourists, families, friends, and lovers having their picnic under the moonlight. The different colors of lights around the place added  beauty to it.

At Baker's Hill.

Next on the list was the Baker’s Hill. I know you’re thinking about breads now. Yes, you’re right. Baker’s Hill is a bakeshop slash park. You could see different life-sized statues of cartoon characters. There was  a mini zoo where you could find different kinds of birds. Playground for the children could also be found there. There were  also restaurants for your starving tummies. Of course, when you go there, don’t forget to visit their bakeshop and buy some of their delicious delicacies.

The famous Chaolong.

Food trip will never be absent when you travel to a place. In Puerto Princesa, wherever yougo, you could see restaurants serving “Chaolong”. “Chaolong” is a Vietnamese food  famous for its different ingredients like egg, tawge and different spices. It was  good but you could appreciate it more if you were  a Vietnamese of maybe a Palaweño.

The rock formation of Jesus' image.

Next stop is the holy and sacred Kuyba Almoneca. This is considered a holy place because inside the cave was a rock formation of Jesus’ image. For only forty pesos, you can already explore the cave. As you enter inside, you will really feel the holiness of the place upon seeing the statues of the saints in every corner. You can also find the statue of Virgin Mary which shed oil according to the town’s folks. 

Oppss! Who can forget the famous 7^th Wonder of the World, the Puerto Princessa Underground River ? Your Palawan adventure will never be completed if you haven’t gone to PPUR. Unfortunately, we were not able to go there. *insert sad face here*. We were not able to book for our reservation earlier and we need to pay  two thousand  pesos each. I guess that’s how strict Palawan government is when it comes to the preservation of its natural resources.

                Well, I promised to myself that I will go back to Palawan and I’ll make sure I won’t miss the Puerto Princessa Underground River anymore. *feeling hopeful*

                My friend didn’t win in her contest. *insert another sad face here*. But our Puerto Princessa adventure was more than a trophy and it was enough for us to say that we were winners. Yehey!

                We went home to the place where we belong. I may leave Palawan for now, but it doesn’t mean that I will leave Palawan forever. Someday, I will go back to that place and explore its beauty again. I will be forever grateful for that experience. Adios Puerto Princessa! ‘Till we meet again.